MACEY

Our one neighbor Macey is super-Christian. If she were any more Christian she could fly. I avoid her when possible, but she just pops in the door and grabs us. I don’t think my mom even likes her, but you can’t just tell someone who wears a shawl to go away.

Macey usually talks just about normal things like health and the weather, but when she says Jesus she just can’t stop saying Jesus. Like the kid in Grade 10b who says “fuck” uncontrollably. My mom tries to distract her by talking about dish detergent or her new mustache trimmer but then Macey just says something like “Jesus had a mustache,” with a dreaming look in her eyes like she’s remembering her dead husband.

When my mom leaves the room to get more coffee or use the toilet, I am just terrified. Because Macey usually ignores me but when we’re alone she talks to me in a strange quiet voice, like she’s trying to hypnotize someone who’s sleeping into buying her jewelry. She always says more or less the same thing – that Jesus loves us all or that no matter how badly off we think we are there’s always millions of people who are worse off and if we could all just rejoice in that and love Jesus we’d be so happy.

I thought about this and tried doing this but it was just too weird. Because the idea of needing millions of suffering people to make you feel cheerful is basically sick. If that’s what being Christian means then I’d have to say Christians are perverts. Considering that Macey likes to freak out children and stare in windows, this can’t be too far off.

My dad thinks she’s a wack job.

 

                                                  

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